[reblogged from rob-lay.tumblr.com]
7:49 am. So begins the last day of Boss School. Looks like we’ll start off by comparing and contrasting the traditional bureaucratic style of Ramses II with the ad hoc applications of cruelty employed by Genghis Khan. After that we’ll receive our ceremonial whips and chastisement rods and conclude with a sing-a-long.
8:04 am. Ooh! Mini quiches!
9:07 am. Sabotage! The mini-quiches are laced with sneezing powder! Obviously the Henchmen’s Local 701 is responsible for this. To arms, new managers! Remember to employ your steps to positive villainy!
12:40 pm. Excelsior! The Henchmen’s Union has been thwarted, disbanded, and its leaders exiled to some desolate, wind-and-wave-battered rock in the middle Atlantic. We didn’t even have to requisition reinforcements from the Office of Holy Effing Moses (now part of the Department of Contingencies and Unforeseeable Events, as of last fiscal year).
And now, luncheon!
2:21 pm. Boredom sets in. Outside those windows is an atypically beautiful February day. Not seeing why we couldn’t have done this lecture about Leadership Skills When Traveling To, Through, and Back From Hell couldn’t be done outside.
3:28 pm. If I see one more Power Point slide of a leadership theory diagram, I will leap upon this table and declare the Revolution. It will not be televised.
5:39 pm. I live. And thank Lumberg that’s over with.
I feel as if I am a new being, reborn as The Man, empowered by the spirits of all the middle-and-upper managers who have gone before me to say, with the swaggering gusto of a man who who has stock options, “Enough with the chatter, get back to work! I want those reports on my desk by Friday!”
Empowered to manage work flow, to synergize, to meta-think, to use words like “deliverables,” “operationalize,” and “mission-critical.”
Empowered to pontificate upon business acumen while walking on hot coals, to hang motivational posters and display executive toys on my desk. Empowered to wear cuff links.
Look upon my works, ye mighty, and despair!
So concludes my 32 hours of employer-mandated managerial training. It wasn’t all bad. Learned some new things, met some new people.
But hopefully I won’t have to have any more training for another long time.